after a lot of putting it off, i finally saw him today. This afternoon, i went over to his place and we sat and talked... at first it was small talk. You know, how was varsity and hows the family, et cetera. His roomate was there as well so i guess it couldnt have been any other way.

it was amazing the way we just fell back into it though. on one hand, it felt like all the bullshit had never happened. we sort of just picked up and carried on from where we'd left off. the conversation flowed and i found myself remembering fondly how easy it was to talk to him. we understand each other so well, its crazy...

on the other hand, it was inevitable that we would end up talking about what happened though. i think we both knew thats why i was there in the first place. forget these pretexts of coming over to say wsup. so we breached the subject.

it is a conversation that i had played over and over in my mind. i knew exactly how i was going to explain things, put it across as easily and uncomplicatedly as possible. hah, if only things went as we plan them!

i kept stumbling over my words, it was so hard to explain looking into his face and seeing the hurt that he was trying so hard to hide... you know what made it even harder is that he wasnt mad at me! he was just disappointed. that, i think, will stay with me the most.

i wanted for him to be mad. to scream and yell and threaten some form of mild physical violence. then i could justify what i'd done wrong. but he was sitting there so calm, and so hurt by my explanations/ excuses... it was so hard to get it all out.

but i did eventually. we were listening to a buncha cds and when 3 doors down "here without you" started to play, and he said when i left he couldnt stop listening to that song, i almost cried. i havent been able to listen to any of my old cds... alicia keys, india arie, kelly... without thinking about him. so i stopped listening to them.

i was just overwhelmed with this desire to take his (strong, beautiful) hands into my own and just say this one big sorry that would erase everything. but he told me he didnt want my 'sorries' or my tears. he just wanted honesty and truth.

can i give honesty and truth? it just seems like all im capable of is self-pity and selfishness. i dont know what he sees in me... i so want to get back with him, but i know im not ready for that... and that it will inevitably end up just like it did the first time.

you know what else? we both stopped writing poetry. it was like, surreal when he said it coz i was like, omigosh, me too! and i asked him why and he said he didnt want to document misery. ouch. he asked me why and i couldnt say. the truth is he was my muse, and i guess i didnt realise that until i lost him. so there i was, a poet without a muse. it was impossible to write any poetry then, wasnt it? i didnt say all that though. i just thought it'd sound too corny.

i gotta work on this honesty thing though. if its what he wants.

yo i just felt like i had to write this to you, and be real wit u, even if u might never read this...

i'm gonna just let this flow, from my heart, from my soul, i'm gonna let you know what's really goin down

with me

wit us... is there still an 'us'? U asked me to meet you today and on the real, i couldnt make it. U prolly thought i was doggin you, but u know i wouldnt do that. After everything i've done wrong, i decided its time to start doin right by u. Coz u deserve that.

it hit me, sitting at lunch just now, that its been a year.. that explains the urgency in your voice, i thought. U wanted to surprise me and i fucked it all up. Again.

I know you're tired of hearin my apologies, lord knows i'm tired of the guilt. So im just gonna let u know wat went down.

i left because i was scared. Because i had never met anyone like you... the way you just (showed up at my house!) became a part of my life, the way you and i are so alike, the way you completed my sentences, the way you could understand even my half-formed thoughts... the way you looked at me, in that sincere unabridged way you do things...

it scared me half to death that i was falling for you. Hard. And that i was losing myself in you. i couldnt let that happen. so i left.

but that's not all...

i was seeing someone else. U dont know him, and he doesnt know you because i didnt speak of you when him and i were together. Because i was trying to forget u.

when i finally apologised to you, i thought, should i tell him everything? what will he think of me? see, even then it was all about me. I didnt mean to dogg u that way, but i was scared.

anyway, the way you let me back into your life- seemingly without a second thought, so naturally, so easily, it just brought back all the things that i loved about you...

i want to have you back in  my life, i want it to be 'us' again, but i cant do that. because it'll happen all over again.

43 days since my last entry. Sheesh, where does the time go?! Ok, quick recap... The past month and a half has been a whirlwind. The days leading up to exams and the exam week itself was hectic. Listen to me- 'was'. I still have 2 to go, but they're not my majors so it's cool.

The Law papers were not too bad, let's just wait and see. Winter's here, and yet it's not. It should be but we're still having glorious summer-like days, it's so nice.

I have so much to say, but I'm running 3 journals at the mo' and i'm trying to find a way to put all the entries in one journal that I can continue to update. The one at hi5 does not allow people tp post comments and it's too public; the one at blogger is too new, and this one is too obscure.

What to do??

I last wrote on here sometime in December. Have you any idea how much has changed since then?! I'm still trying to get my ickle brain around it... So what prompted a return to what once was my favorite website?

This completely random and unexpected hi5 message from my cousin Tura, saying that she liked the journal I've been keeping at hi5 (the secret of my treachery is out!) and that I should consider keeping one at a proper blogging site. Well, that provoked fond memories of late nights sitting at my PC, typing up my thoughts and ideas as fast as my fingers could carry me.

So, I'm back... And since it is damn near impossible for me to tell all that's happened since December, I'm gonna import the entries from my hi5 journa to here. The beauty of technology.

I was having a hard time deciding what to title this entry. Between "Sometimes in April", "Twelve Years Later" and "100 Days".
All those titles express things that I want to talk about.

"Sometimes In April" is the name of the Rwandan-genocide-centered film that was screened by Amnesty UCT in remembrance of the genocide that took place this time 12 years ago in Rwanda.

I won't lie, that movie had a profound impact on me. I have been aware of what happened in Rwanda for a long time now, and even done a certain amount of research on the causes and impact of the genocide, so not many things in the movie came as novel to me.

But even after all the books, articles and films, I was still moved by the lengths that people went to to protect those they loved.
I was still angry with the rest of the world for turning a blind eye as literally thousands of people in "this tiny African country" were massacred on a daily basis for 100 days.
I still cried for the hundreds of thousands who died, and for the way they died, for the reasons they died, and for the people they left behind.

Despite all the movies, and reports and books, it is hard to get used to that sort of thing. I wouldn't want to, anyway.

Twelve years down the road, where is Rwanda? Prospering, from what I hear and read. Kagame's government has managed to create a society not based on ethnic differences, but on working together as Rwandese people.

Twelve years down the road, just right next door to Rwanda, is Uganda. Uganda, where thousands of Rwandese refugees fled to avoid dying the gruesome deaths they had witnessed.

Uganda, where a genocide is taking place as we speak.

Yes, a genocide. I will not sidestep around the word the way the Americans did in the film. The brutal killing of thousands of Northern Ugandans and the inhuman torture of many more has been going on for the past 20 years.
Shall we wait for its culmination? Shall we wait for our own "100 Days"?

Let's not get used to this sort of thing.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
--Martin Luther King Jr.

Leave No one To Tell the Story: http://www.hrw.org/reports/1999/rwanda/

Sometimes In April:
http://www.hbo.com/films/sometimesinapril/